I searched for months to find my siblings, aunts and uncles. I found no information on anyone except for my father’s wife. I was determined not to contact her directly, afraid of how she would react. By Thanksgiving I gave up the search and told Jesus I was done searching and if he wanted me to know them it would have to be because he arranged it, not me.
I knew my father was buried at Andersonville National Cemetery and it was only a five hour detour. I had planned on visiting the cemetery in January but with my last minute schedule change I was on my way, full of anticipation, sadness and the knowledge that my journey and my search was coming to an end.
I sat by his grave for nearly an hour. After thirty years of searching I finally found him but would never know him. The search was over but the emptiness and the questions remained.
I can’t even describe the overwhelming emotions knowing I was at the end of my searching. But my heart couldn’t let go. I needed to find someone who could tell me of my father. I stopped at the office and poured out my story and my tears. The lady was so kind. She noticed a name on the paperwork. His wife who had been to his grave every week, she had not let go of her loss. Question answered: he was loved.
She called her to enquire if she would be willing to meet me. Not only did she want to, but she and my father and my brothers and sisters had been searching for me for 40 years. Question answered; I was loved.
I spent two days with Jean learning about my father and meeting the brothers and sisters, the family, I had dreamed of all my life. They were receptive and happy to meet me. I had feared for so long that if they learned of me they would either not accept me or be angered by my existence. My brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles all knew of me and had been looking for me, wanting me in their lives. Question answered; my father was a good man.
Although I had never met them I knew them in my heart. Each time I met a family member, each time I spoke with one of them on the phone it was like coming home. It was as if I knew them all my life and this time was the ultimate family reunion. They were no strangers; they were my family. I finally got my Hallmark Christmas.
I am at peace with my past. I am no longer, unworthy and second best, no longer the nagging feeling that something is missing. It is still disappointing knowing I will never meet him in this life but I have the family I have dreamed about for nearly 50 years. And I have the hope and knowledge I will see my dad in the next life. I know he’ll be waiting for me when it’s time for me to move into the greatest adventure.
You see, I was never unloved, unwanted and unworthy, yet I believed the enemy’s lies. Whatever is not true, not honorable, not right, not pure and not lovely, is not of God, and if you believe it you are believing a lie (Phil 4:8). I lived in this mental prison for more than 50 years, settling for second best. Now I’m being set free of these handicaps of my heart.
No matter how dead, no matter how impossible, no matter how hopeless, with Jesus nothing is too difficult, nothing is impossible and it’s NEVER too late. Be open to where and how Jesus is moving in your life because when dreams come true it may not be how we envision it or when we want it but it will be how and when we need it and when it will be of the greatest blessing to others.
For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37 (NLT)
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night