Day 512, Nov 24 2010. “Looking Back”

Well I’ve struggled for nearly six months with stress, anger, frustration.  What’s happened? The journey became a chore. I’ve had some wonderful desert experiences but I was no longer living the dream. I have encountered this feeling a few times before but this time was different. It didn’t let up and the only reprieve of peace was at Mary’s after the wedding.

So what’s the cause of my loss of focus, becoming that busy workaholic again? I thought when I started this journey God had worked out many of the issues I’ve dealt with, but all human issues are deeply ingrained and need to be slowly pealed one layer at time. Otherwise it would be too overwhelming.

I know when I’ve lost contact with God because of my own doing, and the culprit is usually working too much. The past two months have been different however. Trying to cope with Kim’s illness and the death of my father has sure have left a dark spot on my heart as well. This dark time has left me overwhelmed with emotion and perhaps a dash of confusion.

This is it, time to stop whining and get back to what Jesus has been doing, he’s been in the lead I need to stop fighting and follow. I’ve let go of the obsession to find my family. If God wants me to know them I trust he will show the way. I need to stop worrying about Kim, she is in your hands. I need not bother even thinking about where I will stay or when I should move to Florida or even if I should. I’m not crazy about living in my van again this winter but I know Jesus will provide and protect me as he did before.

Jesus, you put me on this road, only you can take me off. I don’t want to live another winter in this van with no heat, I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I will go where you tell me until you are finished. I will follow where you lead

Where you go, I’ll go
Where you stay, I’ll stay
When you move, I’ll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I’ll love
How you serve I’ll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

I will Follow by Jason Ingram, Ruben Morgan & Chris Tomlin

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