Day 503 – Nov 15 2010 – Frustration continues

God where are you. I thought I’d be able to work less and spend more time with you. But every day is a struggle. What am I doing here? This place is so beautiful but my time is stolen by errors and inefficient computer programs. Everything is taking much longer than it should. I’m feeling this journey is pointless – who am I helping, will I ever help anyone?

When will it end?  Cold is coming and I’m dreading another winter living in this van. I want my princess with me but I’m dreading getting her, I know how hard it is on her. It’s so hard to work with her in the car. I hate leaving her but this situation is bad for her too. She loves traveling with me and camping but after five months of it last winter she was a bundle of nerves. Cooped up in a 4×4 box, freezing cold, and me constantly leaving her, I can’t even go to the bathroom without her feeling abandoned.

Frustration, aggravation, anger are my constant companions these days. I beg for to hear K-Love come over my radio because their music and Ashley are all that keep me sane. Jesus I’m so lonely. Spending two months with barb this summer and a week with my friends just reminded me of how alone I really am. It’s beginning to cut into my soul.

All my life I wanted to be alone and now I’ve got it and I’ve had enough. Be careful what you wish for.

 “A voyage… is thus named because it reveals a person’s character, or, to put it more simply, for the benefit of those who travel alone; on a journey to  get to know yourself” Cees Nooteboom


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